A Quest on Overdrive … :)

An eccentric rambler on life's lessons and mercies, found and lost… :)


4 Comments

Living on the edge…

A random thought blows on the breeze tonight, as an organizer takes over my brain. So many compartments, so many heads, so many many chapters of an un-writeable story  mill in the teeming flurry, dead centre, and pound the wall of the skull demanding space, to be freed from the endless rigmarole of the vicious circle of life.

One random thought – what do my thoughts matter? What do I matter? Wait. Do I matter? What if I left this world, as we know it, and not one single person knew what it took for me to inhabit myself? Now, why did I want that?

He called, and told me to cut short my holiday. Said he was missing me. Couldn’t understand why I needed to be away, get away. From him? His bewilderment is understandable. If he’d done the same though, I’d probably have asked too. Wait. Would I? Another pondering thought, and I realize, maybe not…Not. Definitely. Me-times are good times. Charge-yourself-up-times.

Another thought stings. Do I get enough of them times? To know me, if at all, and dang if anyone else does not?

I should have been a counsellor, I tell you, not a data analyst with a hot shot company. I read data, figure out the trends, progressions, make projections and fail to read my own progression in my relationships. That irony sucks. Big time. How I partition bits of me – please everyone, share that bit of an acceptable me with her, him, them….

And what if, so desperately, I wanted just one person to know me, all of me, all that I could be, am and will potentially be? It suddenly seemed so important.

I can’t come right now, love. I spoke to him, inside my head. Not nowThough I miss you so! How can I tell you more! Explaining when you wouldn’t understand. You know, it’s much easier to edit things when I share them, so that I take care not to rock your boat. That sense of you being a rock to me, when I am finding a steadfast core, crumbly at times, but a core nonetheless, within me. I wish I could, but I can’t, knowing how quick you’d jump to less than obvious conclusions. I wish I could tell you of this new friend. 

~~~~ ****~~~~

That new young trainee at office. Quiet, concerned, attentive. Unfailingly courteous, says the right things. Uh uh. A paragon, sometimes – would have to be, to be like this in her office! And an absolute fake, no? She asks herself, disbeievingly. Do they make people like them anymore. People who get you, respond to your quicksilver changes, keep tabs on how she was? She supposed it takes one introvert to recognize another. That acknowledgement of one’s quirks and the empathy thereof, that’s an undoing. A vulnerability too, that she was not entirely sure, she could take. A newness of being able to be yourself – not a role model, not an always-happy-beaming-inspirer!

That stray thought zings and zeroes in on him. Him. That colleague. Had to be a him, somehow. The universe always conspires, to confound, and confirm how connections form on a pre written script. Had to be him.

And what was worse, is that compartmentalization that ruled her life. She supposed everyone did it. Or was it just her? How she could be who she was with this one, boderline friend, more than one, really. But she could not tell anyone of him. Not her him, anyway. He’d never understand, believing they were enough for each other, not ever understanding that sometimes, just so sometimes, limiting a thought, and judging it was the sure fire way of inhibiting another share, another time. She knew now, enough, enough to inhibit her. That she loved him, would always love him, but would never be able to fully share of herself, was one of the greatest ironies ever! Still she couldn’t let him know or wonder what she’d been upto, for that is the progression that conversation would take. If she told him, his response after a sudden meaningful, almost reproachful silence, would ensure she’d shut up further, and shut out that cohort at the office, forever. Wasn’t that how she’d been living?

Peace-keeping forces had it easy in conflict zones, when compared to the number of cease-fires she’d carried out, without ever trying to talk it out, for she’s do anything to avoid that war! That kind of fallout she could do without!

So this time, she did not speak of her friend, but quietly went on about getting to know him better. Being a  renegade of the heart was better than ravaging it for one who’d always question.

Life was not linear, and that was a lesson she was learning. That it was perfectly okay to be who she was. All along, though, there would always be this particular totem she’d need to carry. From the alternate lifetime, of her choices that she could not share, to the one she needed to be in, for her own succor as well as that she provided, on demand, infinitely patient, empathetic.

Her phone rang, as if on cue. So, you’ll come home earlier, won’t you? I really miss you!

Ah. Dear me! I miss you too! And yes, I shall, I shall. I’ll definitely do that, as scheduled. At the New Years’!

She laughed, as she said it. To take the sting out of any rebuff he could feel.

He grunted. She continued to smile, into the phone.

A tiny triumph this. A steely resolve to end a year most forgettable. Apromise, to be more of herself to her. A closure to being taken for granted. A good way to end the year.

She was beginning to enjoy living on the edge.

29 December, 2016


13 Comments

Strum

I wear music
In notes you’ll never
See.

Or notes
Perhaps, that you could have
Tasted.
But chose not to.

And so I shall touch
That soaring pitch
And watch you fall

Fall once more
In love, listening
To the colours you
Think you’ve painted me in…

And all the while
I wear the music
That my fingers strum
On chords taut with pain.

23 April, 2014
Online, when music moves and words blur;
All because of a song. Thanks to Dan Drake, who who shared this song 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psiILfa-G1c&feature=kp

🙂

I know. It IS absurd. I’ve even tagged it so. 🙂

 


21 Comments

A to Zee

Okay. I’m terribly envious. I’m on a roller-coaster of reads, and I wish, I so wish I could too. Do the A to Z April challenge. So I have decided, this day, I shall, and each of those 26 alphabets shall compress themselves into this one itty bitty mega post. Yes. I am an oxymoron. Today. Each day. More so since my little granddaughter has cast her magic spell over all of us 🙂

Let’s start at the very beginning
(I never claimed to be original, please to note 😛 )

A life is made, A word is welded, A blog post is imploding here
But wait, a bit, a wee bit, I promise, there be something more 😀
Catcalls you may make, this curiously empty write you may mock
Do what you will, I’ll take it all, so long as you read 😛
Eccentric and silly I am;  but exit not, till I’m done (I’m a beggin’ you, pwetty please?)
Feel the desperate madness of this blogger who cannot blog 😆
Give in to that plea, made in all earnestness
However nonsensical you think this here’s going to be 😀
I vow never again to bother you this way
Just this once? Pretty please?
Kill time, just like that… you never know what inspiration may strike!
Let these words simply soothe; let those urges to kill me be subdued 😀
Maybe you will, maybe you won’t; (My Meggie has by back, by the way! :D)maybe you’re still here? (Yayyy! *pumps fist* )
Needless to say, I’m honoured by your presence, your persistence, your generosity!
Overwhelmed, actually.
Perhaps your loyalty has been put to test – I assure you it’s
Quite by accident that this inspiration struck!
Reading all those A to Z posts, especially from
Shail whose posts always are thought-provoking, Count Santulan’s. that make you drool :D, Sashu’s that strum your heart strings!
Then there’s
Uma’s words that make a connect and
Vinay, whose stories mesmerize!
Wait, I have more names to mention, but sadly the letters all have been taken!!!
Xanadu is where I am (I got the best bodyguards there, incase you’re after me with stick and brick! 😛 ), now that I’m near the end of the silliest ramble EVER here 😛 ; but Hey!
You don’t have to drop in everyday, now that you’ve reached up till here!

Zee blogger of zis blog is ze very very happy, if you’ve reached here, and reading this line 😆

Take a bow! This is in honour of each an every blogger engaged in the A to Z April Challenge! You guys and gals are passionate writers! Keep ’em words a-coming! All good wishes to you all!

4 April, 2014
Blame it on the fact that I no longer have to be serious! My baby granddaughter has given me the license to talk nonsense 😀 😀


11 Comments

Secrets

secret

Secrets to keep
And some to share
Many to tell
But none to hear

Secrets blossoming
Each day, within, without
Some haunt; some are hunted

Tall tales, and short jabs
Some Spicy and
Some just plain ol’ drab
No matter what the flavour-
Can you resist even one?

Secrets they damn
And they sometimes do more harm
Than good, if you ever saw any in ’em!

You’ve got yours
I know,
For, I sure have mine!

So, I’ll tell you one
If you tell me another
Let’s make it one, together
Or maybe, take a bit farther?

Or let’s just secret it away
Till it burgeons, and spills
And let’s itself out;
For that is it’s nature

Secrets are to hide,
And then to tell
Then to spread
Till finally, back at you, it heads!

You know then-
You should have kept it
A secret!

 March 2013
Online, but of course, and getting crazier by the day 😛
Image Courtesy Google Image Search for ‘Secret’ 😛


5 Comments

Predica(ted?)ment

I live that predicate
“I know I love
You”
Subject, myself,
to that infinite verb(iage)
Know
Love,
Unto the object
You.

I wonder. Do you?
That I have not
Pr(o)epositioned or
Claused myself in
Limiting with a “till ever, always”?

Never needed it.
Conditionally, though,
Or otherwise.

That I can connect,
Without linkers, then,
Is enough.

Semantics.
Syntax.
The linguistics of life,
Subject me, and so it is
My predicament, it would seem
To be that
Adjective, that
Embellishes you.

To be,
To act,
To adorn
in interjections
Of a constant
Wonderment.

Yes, I do love you.

13 November, 2011
(Aleph. That it is)