Implosion

Why is it that the heavy heart

Never slows down, despite my willing it?

Why does that indefinable, infinitesimal

Infernal lump in my throat still allow me to breathe?

Why, even when I drown in self inflicted silence,

Do words impinge, float, escape, and express themselves?

Even as my heart, my soul curl themselves back

Into the fetal form, closing themselves

Turning inward, why do I still go on

And move, and find myself open

Vulnerable

 

Why cannot I let that period define

And close a labouring life?

Curl my whole self, tightly

Airlessly, compacting myself

Implode, to that zing.

 

Pulling the plug, within.

 

26 April, 2012

Worded

A piquant thought nudges me-
As to
Why words topple into me
When the clocks tick midnightwards.
Perhaps they’re tired of hanging out of reach
And think I might just not notice
As they slither down the thought strings?
And so with eyes dry drowned in midnight oil
I grab them, before they squirm out of reach!
Only to array them before me
And wonder, suddenly, where all the magic did go

I should have left them be.
Sigh.

28 February, 2012

Life…

…another four letter word, most times, these days.

Ok. Rant time. Reader discretion advised. :D I’m not, rather, in one my sanest of moments (which incidentally I am not, anyways, most times :P ), but now more than ever, I am questioning stuff; things I’ve somehow known would happen, would not happen, had hoped against hope would happen, or not; and of late life deals another blow, after all those blows it has, more often than not, been delivering anyway, regardless of its frequency or impropriety of occurance. I told you. I’m raving mad. Stark, whatever whatever. 

In nature things are so simple. You’re a deer, you run for your life, if you see a lion; if you’re a lion, you run to ensure you can keep running (story here in a prev. post) ; either way the lines, the laws, they are all so clear-cut. No insidious underhand subtle or overt plotting planning double-faced and stony faced (punctuation deliberately manhandled). But life for us so called intelligent superior humans, is just so complicated. Am reminded of Arjun telling me that he liked a particular line from “Bachna e Haseenon”, where Deepika says “Life utna hi complicated hai jitna hum banatein hain” (Life is as complicated as WE make it). She did not know persons like I know, or for that matter a lot of us know too :P . While I do understand where she’s coming from, when she says that, putting the onus upon oneself, to de-complicate stuff that is happening to you, there is this huge web of life that one is involved in, and if one is stuck on the sticky strands of the web, well like that proverbial spider, it quite overwhelms you. Life, I mean.

How does one explain that life does go on, to a rape victim, who is shattered? How?

How does one tell a parent who has lost a child that’s life, and one must look beyond? Where?

How can one assure a young woman/man whose eagerly awaited Valentine just made the final disappearance from his/her life, riding onward to the Heavens above,  and he/she being reminded each day of his/her absence/presence, is at a loss on how to move on? Life? Where do I stand? What do I do? I am asked.

How do I tell my friend who’s been preparing so hard for a particular something, and she’s been refused in the most unethical of ways, Hey, Listen up! Do you think it might be a godsend you know, this humiliation? Ah! the joys of having it said to your face, Oh, you’re not IT. When you know, I know, They know, very very differently!

And then there is suddenly the upside. The egg cracks, but gets cooked sunny side up. :lol:

How life looks up, when one has been able to silence a marauding mob of opinionated egos;

Of how one is greeted with a silence that speaks volumes, that gives to one an invisible pat on the back :D

Of how life gives you so much, and you find a bit of it in epiphany- a moment of communion, silent, mirthful, and entirely disrespectful, in a meeting??? :lol: :lol: :lol:

And yes, how your child takes you by the hand, on the phone, and patiently tells you, explains to you, as if you were a child of three, how to go about engineering a mutiny? Oh the joy of it all! And aids and abets your wildest dreams of actually attempting to  execute it, sometime when the time is right, and the insanity has reached saturation point? The joy! The bliss!

You got it, dear readers. I have reached that state of nirvana, where I am fit to be certified. This post shall be the confirmation of it all, as I get incarcerated in some loony bin, pretty soon. Please do enquire as to what had happened to this dastardly mutineer if no posts are seen again on this space.

Insanely yours.
19 February, 2012.

Another upside. I actually got a post in, on yet another Sunday!

Keeping Promises :)

When the last two posts this month, on this blog came to be, they were both spontaneous (only the posting part though), one of them automatically generated, in Statistics for the blog, and the other a long delayed acknowledgement of honours received. That is when I took a look at the sidebar and realized that both 1 and 8 January (when these were posted) were Sundays, and somewhere in the recesses of the consciousness, I heard a promise from a stray voice, I’ll make it a point to post on Sundays :) I guess that would be one of my alter egos, who likes the order and logic and meticulousness of numbers, and periodicity. I just looked again, now,  and that alter-ego prodded. So I thought it would be ok, this once, to do something unbeknown to me, and that is keeping a promise to myself :lol: !!

Today, I find myself surprisingly staying close to more promises.  I’m not sure though, if I like it yet. It doesn’t feel right somehow :P  !!!

I told myself I would not be weepy and sentimental and maudlin when it was time for a final hug and a smacking kiss for the second born as he takes off for the Gelf, after having him all to myself for the past three months. I wasn’t. Pakka Promise. If I were, would write this? Lol! You know, I’m actually patting myself on my back, for that :D . But don’t ask me how I’m going to get through the rest of today, when I pry myself away from here, and start knocking hollowly about the house. :|

I told myself I’d get serious work done in school, and for a change I did! I’m wading through lessons I would have dawdled over, getting notes completed, and actually making kids feel better by not insisting on some things I’m a stickler for :lol: ! Like postponing a speech they have to give, giving them back their PT periods, which, in a fit of sheer exasperation I had threatened to make my own :P ! What the heck is happening to me, I’m wondering!

2012 is probably The End, else I might not be doing all this. :D Or maybe I matter to me? Or maybe, my guardian angel is actually prompting me and getting results. :D Whatever it be, I’m counting my blessings too, and am glad to have been blessed!

I also told myself I’d write shorter posts. Last count, it’s under 420 :D Yayyy!

15 Juanuary, 2012
#91

Phinally… :P

The end of school year, for this year 2011 is here. Never have been more glad to have a vacation, than now, this year, this day, this moment. I am overdoing it, na? But that is way it is! Can’t wait for 1530 hours, or thereabouts, when we can all depart to our homes, away from it all!!!

So why do I feel this way? Sometimes it’s like that, sometimes the pressure builds up, the vents are shut down, the spirit is willing, but by God! the flesh takes no note of it!

There have been moments when I gave up, almost. Did not though, else I would not still be around, ranting and raving at the system, and all that I want to do with it :P ! You give all of yourself, in the knowledge that the others will do the same. What naivete, what innocence!! At almost 50, I should know better, right? Well they  I whipped off my rose-tinted specs quite fast! My perceptions remain the same, though. Thankfully!

I have to thank Shail, for making today special, with an Award conferred :) Shall write more on her, and it, in a while :)

And, today I feel good too, because I’ve got 52+ cards to give my class, the VIII ‘A’. Pssst… don’t tell them ok? It’s a surprise :)  Can’t wait to see their faces, when they see ME, of all the people giving it! Will share the beautiful cards I received, hand made, in another post :) They are the darlingest, the most mischievous though they be, the kids! And that is the only reason I’m there!

Have a great day, all! Will be back laters :) :)

Merry Christmas too! May Santa come calling, (though I just saw this on FB, shared by a Ken Hess!) :lol:

 

23 December, 2011

Forgotten?

In daily consciousness
Is oblivion-
Memories to negate.
For, what lies in sight
And impinges upon the ear
Oft, are we blind and deaf to.


In forgotten realms
Abutting that consciousness-
Is that where you place me?
Hovering on the fringe
Of your knowing?


Of course, not consciously.
But in off hand negligence
Living the taken-for-granted
Cliché.


I desist, though. And will
Resist. 
Willing myself 
To hammer against that wall
(Clear as glass and just as hard)
Of accidental denial.


Waiting for the pane
To shatter.
So that I can
Yet again, redeem you. 

13 December, 2011

Living it up :)

Tuesday Morning, 15 Novermber, 2011, that is, I woke, and came out of the house, to find Daddy standing at the gate, camera in hand. He beckoned me, and pointed upwards. There, on the roof, was this gorgeous creature. Peacocks, in groups, are regular visitors at my parents’ place, and they walk about in casual abandon, till one of the kids (read Appu, the Alsatian, Paru, the in-house-out-house grand ol’ dame, Chinnu, my lab, or Kuttan, Paru’s first born, and havoc-wreaker :D ) decide to show them who’ s boss hereabouts :P

Daddy sharpens focus. Peacock takes it for granted, and poses :D

Had enough, Mr. Photographer? Or maybe I should tilt my head thataway?

In the evenings, they play catch, on the tops of the coconut trees. Enchanting.

Living it up has a new feeling, altogether, here :) Is it any wonder that I am fast recovering?

 

17 November, 2011

Cpl

Vishu- വിഷു

Sols and Deeps, this is just for you. I know how much you two love this sort of a thing :) :)

This is also for my MOM :)

Today is special. It is Vishu. It is also my EB’s birthday :) (Elder Brother). Happy birthday to another special Arien, and also to a year, reborn again, bringing with it hope for a better tomorrow.

കൈ നിറയെ കൊന്ന പൂവും, നിറപറയും, നിലവിളക്കും, മനസ്സുനിറയെ സ്നേഹഹവുമായി വിഷുവിനെ വരവേല്‍ക്കാം … :)

If you are seeing the above in “????” or a whole lot of little squares, you probably do not have the malayalam font! I’ll just transliterate for you, in English.. “Kai niraye konna poovum, niraparayum, nilavilakkum, manassuniraye snehavumaayi vishuvine varavelkkam “

Meaning to say:

“With our hands and hearts full of the beauty, and the golden sheen of the konna flowers (cassia fistula, or indian laburnum), the fullness of a nirapara ( a measure of paddy, in golden grain), and the light of a lamp lit on the morning of Vishu, let us welcome it with our hearts full of love…”

A nirapara looks like this :)

(Have taken the image from a search engine, and it belongs to flickr.com )

Vishu:

The Kani Konna (- Cassia Fistula, a lot like the laburnum) is the flower of Vishu. Gorgeous chandelier like flowers in the sunshiniest yellow golden, filling the tree, our eyes and our hearts, come Vishu :) It is the key to the Vishu Kani (what you ought to see- kani- the first thing when you open your eyes on Vishu day :) )Here is the tree, at my parents, taken about a week ago… a beautiful sight!

The Vishu Kani, mom’s

The lamp at the nearest end, is called a Maadambi (മാടമ്പി)- It is pretty ancient, a family heirloom,  has a wooden stand, on which is placed the brass lamp. Mom uses it only on special occasions. The nilavilakku is at the far end, on the other side of the uruli (ഉരുളി), the brass basin in which the kani is arranged. The pic above is when she arranged it, and below, when it was time for the kani, at 4 am :)

Incidentally, I was tweeted as to why a mirror is placed in the vishukani. I have been told it is because we need to see ouselves, the best in ourselves, to appreciate the Godhead in us, as we prepare to start a new year, with this auspicious sight! It figures then, I think that you need to love yourself, and respect yourself, to be able to see in oneself the Godhead, isn’t it? I like that viewpoint, immensely :) :)

The chakka (ചക്ക)… jackfruit, is then taken out, after the kani (കണി), and facing eastwards, it is cut :) That is mom doing it the naadan (നാടന്‍), the traditional way with a mazhu (മഴു).. or axe :) And below, the halves arranged, for a few seconds left as it is :) :)

I am also told, that Vishu begins the cycle of rain patterns, the njattuvela (ഞാറ്റുവേല)… :) Today marks the ashwathy njattuvela (അശ്വതി ഞാറ്റുവേല), and it is likely to rain soon :) Each of the 27 stars has its own pattern, with the rohini, makayiryam, thiruvathira, (രോഹിണി, മകീരം, തിരുവാതിര) bringing in the most amount of rain, which is so essential for the farmers.

Today is also the day when it is most auspicious to sow a few seeds, being the ashwathy njattuvel :) ((അശ്വതി ഞാറ്റുവേല))

*Whew! Wipes sweat off her brow* This has been satisfying, but hard work. Finding a transliteration page to work with, and finally opening the google transliteration malayalam page, to write there, and copy paste the malayalam here. But it seems to be worth it!

Have a wonderful year ahead, everyone!

സര്‍വ ഐശ്വര്യങ്ങള്‍ കൂടിയ വിഷുദിനാശംസകള്‍

സ്നേഹപൂര്‍വ്വം …
ഉഷസ്സ്

Wishing the best of the season, for Vishu, greetings and blessings…

With love

Ushus :)

15 April, 2010

Edited to add on 18th April, 2010:

Found this video, of a favourite song , in Malayalam, Kani Kaanum neram (കണി കാണും നേരം കമല നേത്രന്ടെ) on Sindhu’s FB wall :) Thanks Sindhu :) Just to share, because I know those who love this song will certain find it in the right post :)

I am twenty-five… :D!

What a liar! How can she go public with such a blatant untruth?!

Pssst… well, when you think of it, do you think…? Naah! How the heck?

Lol! The moment those familiar with this space read this blog post title, these must have been the thoughts that flitted through their minds? I’m just double-guessing, but I guess I probably would too… :D !

Well truth be told, this is true, you know. Maa kasam! (Pun intended :P – you’ll figure out the pun soon enough! :lol: ) I wrote about the first of the twenty-five birthdays on this very space, about a year ago. In fact that post still holds the record of the highest number of hits for a post, ever, on Overdrive :) . I loved writing it, and also, this one, on A Quest, the other blog I am at :)

By now, hopefully, the truth of the title will have been accepted without doubt! I wanted to share this here, and today, because the FB has gone public on Facebook about this very event! (FB as in First Born, please note :) )

The Sun Child write is very special one, for it worked magic :) It was written years before the FB was born, and at that time, even the thought of marriage was far from my mind :P ! The magic is that he turned out exactly the way I describe My Sun Child… not at all fussy, gregarious, pet lover, still dreamy… :) Each time I read it, I am amazed at the way things turned out! He is an Arien, a Sun Child too!

He celebrated the occasion with his friends on Marine Drive, cake cutting and smashin and sploshing on his face… why they do this is beyond me, still! :o !

We, ie the SB and I celebrated too. We baked chocolate cakes and made it into a Black Forest (or so I like to call it… :P )… complete with whipped cream and cherries.. though we forgot the chocolate shavings… :) Here’s how it happened:

Two chocolate cakes baked in a pressure cooker :)

Layered over each other, and slathered with whipped cream, on an overturned steel plate :)

Piping around the edges with Mehendi cone like apparatus made out of plastic covers, for lack of the real things :P !

More decorations… and finally…..


HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARJUN!!!!

Now you will perhaps agree the blog post is not lying :) :)

12 April, 2010

At long last… of Onam, and an ending, to make a new beginning :)

Alert : Long flash back post! Lol! It started a  couple of weeks after Onam, and has been inspired entirely by Solilo and Deeps :) They had both endearingly asked me to share the Onam moments; and I am so very sorry, Sol, and Deeps, that I have been so darned delayed in getting this to you :) Therefore the relevance of this post stands outdated, yet it is one, like the Thrissur Pooram one, that I did so very much want to share:)


Also, this is to somehow make me want to get rid of my aches and pains, and my mental block, writer’s block et al, to energize me into getting back to blogging. I have been re-shaping this particular draft over the past three days, as and when time permits, in between corrections, spending time with the sons, and the parents, and renovation work at home :) I guess I am a genius ( a self proclaimed one, please note) to have managed to get this far :)


Furthermore, this is to ensure that I tie up loose ends before the year ends, and that I will not carry excess baggage of “to do’s” into 2010!! (Huh?? Do I really believe that, I wonder!!! Rofl. Anyways, it feels good to have written that, and who knows, I may just con myself into believing it!!!! :P )

May the new year bring much happiness, love, laughter and luck into all our lives :) May only good things happen most, and may the not so good ones help us discover more strength within :) May we all be blessed to seek and acknowledge the good we see around, and speak out against injustice, and cruelty, most for those who cannot, themselves….


May we all just sail in tandem, with love, and enjoy each day for all its gifts…. :)


Amen!

A Happy Happy New Year to each a every lovely one of you out there :)

***********************************************************************************************

This is for you, Solilo and Deeps (and of course, all of you who might find the patience to wade through the words :) :) )

Years ago, as a wee girl ( sorry, make that aeons ago :D ) my brothers and I would, every evening, at the twilight time, sandhya neram, as they say in Malayalam, sit down together with my mother, and recite little slokas, in praise of the different deities, and sing cantos from the Narayaneeyam, that my mother and aunt had painstakingly, and easily taught us. It was a lovely time, and we would vy with each other to recite best, and would be promised sweets for rendition without faltering. There was no forcing or indoctrination… just a feeling.. a good feeling of sitting down together, and praying together. At the end of the recitation of the slokas, we would recite the names of the “nakshatras”, the stars, that each day had, and the names of the months by the Malayalam calendar. So we’d go… “Ashwathi, Bharani, Karthika, Rohini, Makeeram…. to Poororattadhi, Uttrattadi, Ravathi… Naalu Iruvathyeezhu” – in other words, the names of the stars, followed by the phrase, there are 27 stars. And so also for the months in the calendar… Medam, Edavam, Mithunam, Karkkidakom, Chingam, Kanni, Thulam, Vrischikam, Dhanu, Makaram, Kumbham, Meenam… Raashi panthrandu- Translated, to mean… the names, twelve of them, being the 12 Rashis, of the year.

I narrate this incident only to tell you how very deeply ingrained certain things stay in our memories, because after the teenage years, I have not been regular, with the evening prayers, except for when my children were very little… :) Once they too became teenagers, it had to be reminded to them, and even then sometimes we did not make time for it. However, they too, went through the routine of learning the nakshatra names, and the rashee names :) :) That much happened, and they can recite it today too… though they perhaps have not recited it for more than six to seven years.. :) I recall this more so now, whenever Onam comes around…

How I know that it is Onam, when the Thiruvonam day would come, and how we prepare for it, ten days in advance, on the day of Atham, and I also know how my children remember too! We still celebrate the English Birthdays, the day on which the date of birth falls, and the Perannal.. or the Malayalam Birthday, that comes, according to the stars that we were born under. So my Kunju, the FB, is Uthradam, Kunjunni, the SB is Revathi… and so on. Daddy’s is on Atham, THE Atham, that comes before Onam :) This year it was truly special, for each year, only the kids and I get to spend it with them, my parents, but this year, my younger brother and his wife were also there, and it was lovely :) :)

And so started the countdown to Onam.

(Contd, after an aeon :) ) Onam this year was hectic, because my mom wanted it at their home, and she was still recuperating from her knee surgery, to repair a torn ligament, and that had incapacitated her (read, made her walk more slowly, that is all! else she runs :) ). She did the whole scene, food wise- the naaranga pickle (the vadukappuli variety), mulakaapachchadi (like the pulienji), kaalan, olan, elissery, not to mention the paayasam, and the chips, both the classic salted variety, and the sharakkara upperi (sweet, jaggery coated banana chunks :) )

On the day before Thiruvonam, that is Onam day proper, is Uthraadam, or Onnu Onam (first Onam); this time we did a naadan, that is country style, dehati style pookkalam, the flower carpet with flowers from our very own garden… all those flowers that my mother takes regularly as offering to the temples she visits, and those she makes garlands out of, for her beloved deities. These were flowers like the Nandiarvattom and the Pazhivamalli, (the white flowers, that resemble the jasmine, and the Pavizhamalli has a lovely shade of orange in the middle),  the Kolambi flower ( kolambi means, pitcher like… pot like… :) and this one is the bright yellow flower), the Shankhupushpam (the gorgeous blue flower), green leaves, and the omnipresent hibiscus and thulasi :) I have included a few pictures of the flowers and the making of the pookkalam on Uthraadam day :) First of all, the ground is sanctified with gobar, made out into a circular shape, with raised mound in the centre. It is here that the final flower, the hibiscus will be placed. We always start with a thulasi leaf, for benediction and benevolence and luck!! :) The hands you can see in the picture are :o ur domestic help’s, her name is Shanta, and mine :) And it is a series of concentric circles of contrasting shades derived from the petals of the flowers we gather :)

Here they are , the flowers, and the Pookkalam (the flower carpet :) )

Shankhupushpam – the conch-flower (a literal translation that :) )- a gorgeous shade of blue… for the pookkalam
The bright yellow “Kolambi” flower
The Pavizhamalli – a small white flower that resembles the jasmine :)

Alari poovu, another favourite home grown flower

The making of the pookkalam
This year’s naadan pookkalam … with home grown flowers only :)

On Onam day, it was the Thrikkakkarappan, or the symbolic representation of Lord Mahabali (made of clay, at home, the previous days ), that took the centrestage. Offerings  of “ada” (steamed coconut-jaggery-rice cakes in banana leaf) and bananas were made, and an umbrella adorned his place of honour :) You can see the SB making the offering, in the puja. It rained and rained that day, but we were lucky to have been able to have the mud statues stay firm till the end :)

Making the offering of “ada” and bananas to Lord Mahabali, the Thrikkakkarappan :)
Thrikkakkarappan… an offering to Lord Mahabali, fruit and “ada”… :)

Of course, the sadhya followed, with much eating and fun! At the end of it all, mom all but collapsed, though happy that even this year her Onam was truly celebrated :)

The feast :)

The feast… taken from the SB’s mobile

***********  ************  ************  ***********

So that is the past unfinished business, neatly handled and done away with. I know it is really shoddy work, the writing, and the post itself, but I had resolved to tie up all my incomplete work, before the clock strikes 12 midnight on 31 Jan, 2009. Hopefully this will see the light of day by then!!!

Finally! Am now going to hit the publish button, before I get jittery about proof reading, layout, and all that stuff. If you got till here, I am your fan :) Just let me know :) :) I shall surely announce it to the world!

Thank you, each of you, for being here, and for your warmest support!

30 December, 2009